Previously on The L Word
I'd hate to apply to be a roommate
Afternoon, ladies. Mark Wayland here. My direct-to-video gig pays.
I can give you first, last, security, and six months rent up front, in cash.
- Have you ever done TOE before, Kit? - Uh... No...
Welcome to the "Theory of Everything. "
Benjamin and TOE are gonna change your life.
Lady with the flashing eyes.
Hi, it's Bette Porter for Helena Peabody.
Nice to meet you. Our museum has a longstanding relationship with the Peabody Foundation.
We always funded the arts very generously.
But I hope you're not speaking in the past-tense.
I am always interested in people with special skills.
I still don't know what you want me to do.
You'd be my new assistant.
I don't get it! What do you want from me? What do you want?
Do you wanna dance?
Don't worry. I've made love to a pregnant woman before.
This is my buddy Gomey.
You're so fucking scored.
Will you cut my hair?
It's the second set of elevators to the right.
Holy shit.
Mark. You will not believe what I'm looking at!
I can't live in a stranger's guest house or some motel
and I'm not going back to Alice's couch.
I don't think it's fair that I'm being punished for something that I didn't do.
So I'm going to stay in the guest room until I find a place of my own.
- Welcome home. - I'm not home.
- I've gained some weight. - I don't care.
Oh, you don't even care? That's nice.
No, what I meant to say is that I'm just happy
to be looking at you... standing... here... in our... house.
Well? Definitely an award winner.
Fuck you, man. This is a quality fuck tape!
- Mark here, testing, testing. - What are you up to?
Ah, I'm starting a new project.
Well, what is it?
- You'll see. - Hey, I'm your partner, you gotta tell me.
Look, I'm not ready to talk about it yet, okay?
It's still in its concept stages.
But I will tell you that it is genius.
- What? - You just got cruised.
Do you think she was looking at me?
Oh yeah, in broad daylight, too.
I love my haircut.
I'm sorry, I just... I just wanted to give you some fresh towels.
Bette? There's something I need to talk to you about.
Maybe later? You'll be home tonight?
I will be if you want me to be.
I'll see you tonight, then okay?
Hey. Uh, my name is Mark Wayland,
and I live in a house with two lesbians.
Now I know what you're probably thinking. You're wondering if I've hit it yet.
Well, the thing is they're two real lesbians.
Or else I would've. But don't worry, I'm still gonna try.
Anyway, um... this is gonna be a...
a project which will offer insight...
Ah, that's fucking lame.
Come in.
Shut the door.
Here, sit.
Does, um, does Tina have an appointment to see an apartment today?
- Uh, no, not today, the owner wasn't available but... - I want you to take your time.
Don't... push it.
Okay, but I though Tina needs a place...
You call her at home, and tell her that you're working on it...
I don't want you to lie... I just...
Want you to take your time.
When you say call her at home, should I call her at the...
At our home. She moved back in this morning.
That's great, that's what you wanted, right?
So why don't I just cancel it?
Well, because in her mind, she's... Thinking that it's only temporary,
you know, she's still planning on finding a place of her own
and I'm just hoping that once she's ensconced, she'll decide to stay.
I see, so, you want us to take our time looking
but still help Tina look but not really look too hard.
Exactly.
- Aw, fuck, Mark, not again. - Guys, guys, just two minutes, hear me out.
I got something to say and I think you're really gonna like it.
Well I think that's wildly presumptuous of you, Mark.
Hello. Mark here, asking the girls if they're in.
I'm about to show them that this is mainly about me,
that I would never ask them to expose themselves
if I wasn't, like, willing to expose myself, like, way more.
For example, I may tell about the time my boy Gomey
used to hide in the closet when I brought girls back to our dorm room.
That... isn't exactly... a self-revelation, Mark.
Oh, I'll dig. I can go way deeper.
And what does this have to do with us?
Right. Okay. So.
I'm starting a new project.
- That's great. - Yeah. It is great.
It's gonna be kind of like this, um... this journal of my life with the two of you guys.
Basically it's just gonna be interviews every so often,
and after awhile you won't even know the cameras are around.
I think this is going to be the best thing I've ever done.
Really. And if I could just get some footage, which, you know, obviously I think I can,
then I know that I can get this thing financed
and we can all get paid, which is something I know you both need.
Mark, I think that there is a lot of "I"s contradicting the "we"s
in your run-on sentence.
Well, that is because I am going to handle all of the details
while you two just sit back and be your gorgeous, sexy selves.
And get paid for that. Plus! I mean, honestly, think about how... how educational this is gonna be
for people who don't know anything about people like you.
What do you think he?
What do you think he means, people like us?
- What do you think he means? - Oh, I think he's referring to...
...bean-fiddlers?
- Ohhh, the bobbing-for-apple girls. - Yes! Sassiness. Oh, yes.
- Yes, the gay women. - But honestly, guys.
Just think. I mean, think about how much you're gonna be
- I know. - helping out some poor little lonely lez
stuck out in the Midwest, without a role model in sight.
- Very important. - That could be you two.
Okay. Just to show you, how very certain I am that I will get this funded,
I will give you both twenty bucks, a piece, per interview, of my own money.
Is this gonna be like a... What's the thing called? Uh.
- Oh, right, right, right. The lesbians - "Lesbians Gone Wild. "
Or is this gonna be like... you know, or the Maysles Brothers?
Meets D.A. Pennebaker...
with a little bit of... Nick Broomfield thrown in there.
What do you think?
No. We'll think about it.
How cute would these be for the bachelorette gift bags?
Oh, my god!
Uh, guys? Guys.
I could probably take care of this whole gift bag shopping thing myself.
No, no, are you kidding? This is like the best part!
Oh, my god!
Ladies, how about a little of this!
Tonya, Tonya... Stop it.
It's nice!
She's not a fan.
But I guess this is a little more up your alley, isn't it, Alice?
Actually, Tonya, this might be a little bit more up my alley.
- More than this? - Yeah, maybe a little.
Oh, really?
Okay, stop it, both of you!
Which one would you rather put in your mouth, Al?
I don't understand you bisexuals! I mean, really, make up your minds already.
- Right, honey? - Make up your minds already.
I've got a question for you.
What is the primary lesbian sex act?
The primary lesbian sex act?
Yeah, well for straight people it's fucking, right?
I mean everything we do, the kissing, the fondling, the foreplay, nyah nyah...
All of it, it leads up to that one, ultimate, foregone conclusion.
And what makes you think lesbians don't fuck?
It's not possible.
Unless we're talking dildos, which is cool, but it's not...
Are you fucking kidding? It's completely possible.
I'm asking because I want to know!
- You're asking because you're... - - I'm just trying to gain some understanding here, please!
Where do you live, Mark? It's entirely possible.
- I'm sorry. - Is this a joke?
Mark, I mean, do you want us to demonstrate?
Because this is obvious what this whole thing is leading up to, right?
If you were writing a novel and you had some questions for me, I would totally be there for you.
I'm just simply trying to gain some insight here, alright?
I just… simply trying to gain an insight.
Some unique perspective for us guys who don't understand.
Something we haven't heard from anywhere else before. God.
Don't be so aggressive…
because it's embarrassing.
And there you have it. Sex tip for all us horn dogs out there.
From the lesbian sexual Conquistador herself.
Alright.
Boilerplate release form I need you to sign. Where'd the other one go?
Um, I need Shane to... Shane?
What, still too aggressive?
This is NPR, National Public Radio.
The number of Americans living in poverty grows by one point seven million...
I made too much. Do you want me to fix you a plate?
No, stay, I'll go get it.
You look really great. You're kind of... glowing.
- Bette, I wanted, um, to tell you that... - God, I had the worst fucking day today.
Thanks to Peggy Peabody's cunt daughter, our grant is now in jeopardy
and Franklin's completely flipping out.
I can't imagine how fucked I'm going to be if they pull it.
- I spent the day raising money, too. - It's incredible, isn't it?
And imagine if the whole future of the museum you've dedicated the last four years of your life
to were depending on it.
Actually, the future of a lot of children's educations
depends on whether I raise this money.
I wasn't suggesting that it's any less important, Tina.
I mean, it breaks my heart, it does.
But do you want those kids to grow up in a world without art?
No. Course not.
You said you had something you wanted to talk to me about this morning?
It was nothing.
I just wanted to say good night.
Good night.
I'm sorry about... dinner.
I- it's a habit I'm trying to break.
It's not all your fault.
I hope you'll feel like talking to me tomorrow.
I think maybe I will.
Oh, my god! This is great!
Alice, we're not back together.
Well, I'm just saying hi!
So, what are you - what are you guys doing here? Together?
I'm staying at the house until I get a place of my own.
Nice! Nice!
This is good! This is good!
- This is good! This is good! - Yeah, I'm...
I'm just gonna go see Kit.
Yeah, well she's in the back with some hunka hunka burning love, I dunno.
- Benjamin Bradshaw. - Oh, I dunno. Who is he?
He's this, uh, business guru. She took one seminar with him, and now she's getting a private consultation.
Okay. What's happening? I mean, um...
Are you guys not together? Because you... you look... like you are.
Well, let's just say... I'm not ruling it out.
Okay, so she was cool with the...
She didn't freak? What, what?
I haven't told her yet.
What?
But she's - she's gotta know, she must know.
I mean, she's gotta know. Is she fucking blind?
Bette's pretty wrapped up in herself.
She doesn't always see what's right in front of her.
It's a problem. It's always been one of our problems.
Yeah, Tina, this isn't really just a Bette problem. You have to tell her.
Come in!
Hey, baby sis.
Benjamin Bradshaw, this is my little sister, Bette Porter.
- Nice to meet you. - Well, Kit's told me so much about you.
I understand you've been going through some difficulty lately.
If you feel you need someone to talk to...
She's not ready for that right now.
Benjamin and I have been going over last month's statements,
and you would be amazed at the results of my work in TOE.
Toe.
T- O-E. Theory of Everything.
It's a physics principle
uniting our understanding of the fundamental forces of nature
into a single equation that's applicable
to every question about life on earth.
It's the basis of my system of personal transformation.
Bette, since my work in TOE,
The Planet has gone form being in the red to black.
And?
And I've prepaid the mortgage through September.
And?
And Benjamin is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Well that's not what I was after, but thank you.
I was going to say:
and you're welcome to join Kit when she attends the advanced seminar next month.
I'll waive the introductory course fee for you because Kit tells me
you're very accomplished in your own right.
Thank you. I guess.
Well, um...
Just, you know, let me know when the next seminar is,
and I will give it some thought.
You know what, I really don't know. Is, uh... is Jenny always so weird?
She's not weird. She's great.
Well maybe she's one of those people that's, you know, just constantly in her head.
Carmen, she's a writer. She's supposed to be like that.
Okay, so will you take a listen of this, please?
And, uh, let me know if you think they'll be down for it.
I mean, I really don't have that much of a sense of Dana and Tonya, so…
That would help.
You... you kissed her.
What?
- You kissed Jenny. - Oh, okay.
- Right. Yeah. - Right?
Yeah, yeah, I did, but um...
It was just the circumstances, I mean...
I - I didn't think that you would mind about -
And, no, and I - and I - hey, and I don't.
Good.
Thank God.
You should um...
You know, you should give her a chance.
You know what?
What? What is it, sexy?
Don't try to hook me up.
Bye.
Look, if she wants her story done, and done right,
- she's gonna deal with Veronica Bloom. - Uh, Veronica, you called me.
Maybe, but I need somebody to prime her first before I go in and do my thing.
Right beside ya.
Yeah, and so is your Fred Segal haircut and your Prada suit.
Look, I need somebody who looks relatively human
or at least is a credible simulation.
And that's where hair girl comes in.
Fuck you.
Hey, hey. Please. It won't happen again, just get in the car.
Get in the car.
Come on, Shane, Come on, come on!
I got a present for ya, baby!
Once we punch the deal we can go get a mani pedi.
Come on! Come on, Shane. Come on!
I talked to Tina like we talked about. We're going to look at apartments next week.
The fucking Peabody Foundation hasn't awarded us a single fucking penny. They've pulled our funding.
Well, there's got to be another page.
Shit.
Wait a minute.
Tina got a Peabody.
Oh, my God, you guys, they are awarding us a hundred thousand dollars!
Oh, my god!
Wait a minute.
I think that’s it Tina, I don't think they're gonna give us another one.
Oscar is gonna flip!
Can you guys excuse me for a minute?
I'm here.
Are you okay?
Why do you ask?
I saw the Peabody posting.
Congratulations.
I'm sorry, Bette.
Is there anything I can do?
Well, maybe you could support me. I'll take some time off from work and start looking into a new career.
That's not fair, Bette.
Why did you even go after the Peabody? Was it some kind of vendetta against me?
You're being ridiculous!
Oh, I agree, it's ridiculous to think that just because I...
shared my life with you, and supported you,
that you would have any compunction at all about fucking with my livelihood.
You could have at least warned me.
It - it's not so easy to tell you things, Bette!
Not everything is easy, Tina.
- But... - You know what? I'm getting upset now.
So I'm going to hang up the phone.
FUCK!
We just got a phone call! Helena Peabody is on her way over here!
Right now?
We got the biggest grant that they gave. Nobody else got as much money.
She's coming with a camera crew!
It was your proposal, Tina!
kay, okay, uh, let's get this place looking sharp...
but not too sharp, we don't want her to think that we don't need the money.
So, the woman we're about to meet was a prostitute, she was run by the Russian mob,
until they tried to take her daughter away.
She goes up against them, which nobody does and gets out alive.
They already fucked up her face, you'll see.
We want to make a movie out of her story,
What we're after here... is her life rights.
Priscilla Nabochenko is going to sell us the rights to her life!
The woman sure knows how to create a media event!
Holy shit.
Where's Tina Kennard?
You wrote this proposal?
It brought tears to my eyes.
Thank you, I'm flattered.
Tina, why don't you give me the grand tour of the Headquarters for Social Justice?
Sure. Right this way.
Oh, my God, it’s going to be such a great bachelorette party.
I know. So what were you saying about me?
I thought you had great tits.
You noticed my tits?
Right away!
Oh come on! They were like... "Hello, there. "
- They were talking to you? I mean, that’s creepy! - Whole conversation!
Okay.
So how about you with me?
I thought you were a hottie.
- Get out! - I did.
Did you really?
Really.
You have a really nice ass.
Take me! Just take me now.
Take my pants off! Take my pants off!
Help me.
I just... I just want to fuck you so bad!
- Are you okay? Are you okay? - Yeah.
- Are you okay? - Yeah yeah...
Get it off!
I can't! It's tight!
Don't rip it!
Wait... wait.
- Are you okay? - I want more of you...
No... fingers..
Fingers. More fingers.
You are making the biggest mistake of your life if you sign with the Bruckheimer.
Do you know who Veronica Bloom is?
Aaron. That’s enough.
Why don't we let Priscilla have a minute to breathe?
- What? - You stay here.
You want some fruit juice or something?
No, no, no, I'm okay. Thank you.
So what do you do for the movie? Are you like a producer or something?
Fuck no.
Um, I'm a hair stylist.
And I guess I'm Veronica's assistant, too.
- Really. - Yeah.
Hair stylist.
That's something I always wanted to do.
You could do it.
You know, I, uh...
I used to do what you do, kind of.
Really.
Yeah, I used to... trick around Santa Monica Boulevard.
There was this guy, who was... you know, he was weird,
But uh, he was okay.
He sent me to hairdressing school.
She ok?
Well, I guess I called it, didn't I Shane?
You're the closer!
Yes, I know.
Vee, that is awesome, congratulations.
I had to add a caveat in writing to her deal memo.
Priscilla now has it in her deal...
That she gets to work with you.
- Ah, Veronica, that's not cool! - It's totally cool, Shane.
We did it! We did it, we fucking did it.
Its gonna be a phenomenal project!
Total Academy Awards time.
I am thinking...
Angelina Jolie. Maybe Julia Roberts.
Maggie Gyllenhaal if we wanna do something really quirky.
This is great.
I mean, you should be really proud of yourselves.
Excuse me, I'm just gonna...
Cut. I'm just gonna... I'll be back. I'll come back and talk to you, okay?
When's your baby due?
- I'm at fourteen weeks. - Are you having twins?
You're beautiful, I...
I didn't want to make you uncomfortable.
It's okay.
I - I'm just starting to get used to showing.
I find it quite sexy, actually.
My kids are still in New York.
Can't tell you how much I miss them.
You have children?
One adopted one my partner gave birth to.
We're separated.
Just to get that out of the way.
Uh, my partner and I are, too.
I - I'm doing this on my own.
You know?
I have a feeling you and I are going to find out we have quite a lot in common.
Have dinner with me tonight.
My friend is having this bachelorette's party.
And... I have to...
Excuse me. Bette's here. She's got flowers.
That's my ex.
I've been there.
Go ahead.
I'll be right back. Excuse me.
What are you doing here?
I'm really sorry that we fought. I just - I wanna try to make it up.
Well, maybe. But not right now. Right now, I'm doing something.
Well, you know, you said some pretty hurtful things,
too, I'm just here to say, let's leave this behind us, and...
You know, we were doing well.
Yeah. And I'm saying you can't just throw flowers at it and expect it to go away.
Not everything can be on your time, Bette.
- I'll be just a minute, Helena. - Is everything alright?
What is going on here, what are you doing?
I'm here to publicize our grant announcements.
The Foundation wants to send a message about our new agenda.
That's not what I meant.
What. Are you doing. With my girlfriend.
It's really none of my business, but...
Tina doesn't seem to think she really is your girlfriend any longer.
Well that would be right. It really is none of your business.
Stop it!
Tina... I'm sorry...
You really shouldn't be dealing with this kind of nonsense...
Especially not in your condition.
What condition is that?
- Tonya, honey! - Oh crap!
- You don't want her to see it! - Good call, mom!
It's no sweat, princess, I'll stow it in the car.
Oh, you cutie.
Yoo-hoo? How are the bachelorette gift bags coming?
Look at these two! So hard working
while we were out having fun!
Pookie, you have to - Mom.?
Now, this is Alice, this is Dana's best friend.
And this is my mom Dotty!
Oh, and Pookie! We have to show you what we bought! Oh, you will just die! Come on, mom!
I have a present for you!
Come on, come see!
Monstrosi-ty.
Hi. Can I help you?
What have I told you?
Stop staring. Stop staring.
What have I told you? She's flesh and blood, just like we are... we are...
She can't help it!
Monstrosity monstrosity monstrosity...
- Who is that? - It's Bette!
Sorry to bust in on you. Is Shane here?
No, not right now.
Did you know Tina was pregnant?
Bette, you didn't know?
Oh, my God, how did you not know?
Because I am just the biggest fucking asshole in the universe, I guess that’s how!
Because I’m just some kind of huuuge cosmological joke is what I am!
No, you’re not!
Tina obviously must have gone out of her way
to keep this a secret from you.
She must hate me.
She must... actually... fuckin' hate me.
She doesn’t hate you.
Come here.
I think that...
This is just so much more complicated than that.
You can’t give up. Okay?
You cut your hair!
It looks great!
You look great.
I take your point, man.
Hidden cameras, man, it’s the way to do this!
Alright. We will do a few more, but...
strategically and respectfully placed.
Fuck respectfully.
Aren’t you two girls brave to get way up there!
Don't you like them? Isn't it great, Sharon?
Oh, that's a good idea!
Oh, you're all... Oh, who's gonna get it?
Oh, there you go! Oh!
Now, lookit, you have to do this, Sharon, watch!
There ya go!
I've been to Vegas and I think you'd be a good...
- Sharon, it's time to make the toast, honey. - Oh, is it time?
Oh, thank you! Oh!
Carmen
Thanks, dear.
Excuse me. Everyone?
I'm Sharon Fairbanks, I'm Dana's mother.
When my daughter...
The bride...
First came out to me, I...
I didn't take it very well.
Actually, I took it pretty badly.
Very badly.
But since I've come to know Tonya,
I think it's absolutely the right thing for my daughter.
I can see that you've found love.
And it doesn't matter what form it takes.
All that matters is that you're happy.
I love you, Dana.
And I want the world to know that I give Tonya and you...
My blessing.
Where you goin'?
Nowhere, I was...
I was... forgot a gift...
I was gonna get a gift.
You did it, didn't you.
You and Dana.
No. No, no, no.
Alright.
Hand me those pliers.
Are you sure that you're gonna be okay?
Yeah. I'm just gonna go find Kit.
- But thanks for coming with me. - Good luck.
- How are you? - I'm good, I'm glad you showed up.
Well...
I got some writing done and I had a burst of confidence.
- So there. - Good.
- You should talk to her. - I can't. I can't.
Shane, she thinks I'm so weird! She does!
Yeah, she probably does.
But... if she
If she's as cool as I know she is...
It won't put her off.
What should I do?
- What? - It's always a good idea to bring the DJ a drink.
Are you serious?
May I have...
...have a beer, please? Thank you.
Oh, fuck.
- How do you like the party? - Oh, it's great. Have you seen Alice?
It's time for your bachelorette lap dance.
- No, not with my mother here. - What are you, silly?
Look
I think she's having a good time.
Check it out. There's nine altogether.
Ah! Fuckin' awesome!
what about the rest?
- What rest? - Bedrooms! Bathrooms!
Dude! Have a little fucking respect, they're my roommates!
Jesus.
Look, I didn't do bathrooms or anything, that crosses a personal line for me, but, uh...
- We're in. - Sweet, man.
How long have you all known?
- Not long. - Not long.
I mean, she was hiding it from everybody.
She probably didn't know what to say, Bette.
Don't kill yourself over it.
You know, ironically, I was actually pleased to see that she had put on weight,
'cause I thought, number one, it means that if she's eating to cover her pain,
then she - means she's really, actually still in love with me,
and two, if she's overweight, then maybe she might have trouble finding someone else, so I thought that maybe,
eventually, if she could learn...
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, who's that?
Make me another. Make it a double, please.
Hey, baby sis. What's up?
Who dare?
That's Helena Peabody.
Can't believe she brought her here.
Do you want me to ask her to leave?
Congratulations.
How are you?
Thank you! Nice to meet you!
Dana, Tonya, this is Helena Peabody.
I hope you don't mind my crashing your party.
At least I didn't come empty-handed.
From me and Tina.
Presents!
Just a few things we scrounged up!
Here we go.
The Phillips Senseo coffee pot system!
Oh, and a kettle!
Well, that's very, very generous.
I'm afraid I may have overcompensated.
I know how it is when you're the uninvited guest.
Actually, you know, I've never been the uninvited guest, I...
always prefer not to go where I'm not wanted.
What makes you think... Helena's not wanted?
Initial observations and theories.
These girls talk about everything.
Now, I don't know if that's strictly a lesbian thing,
or what, but man, these girls are all up in one another's business.
Now don't get me wrong, I think the talk's great, I'm loving the talk, but, uh...
I gotta admit, I'm hoping soon we're gonna get to partake in a little, uh,
action...
Alice, I thought you were ignoring us.
No - I - no.
Everybody?
Everybody, this is...
Dana's best friend.
And she wants to give a toast!
Con... Congratulations... you two, um...
Sorry, I'm a little... I've... I've known Dana a long time...
And, um...
I guess like most things...
that are right in front of your eyes, you don't...
see just how wonderful they are, until...
They're gone.
You are the luckiest... woman...
On earth.
To my friend...
What can I say?
Congratulations.
I love you.
What do you say we leave, quit torturing ourselves?
Just something I have to do.
I lift my glass...
...to caring...
And kindness and trust...
And longevity and respect.
To all the things that you'll need to keep your love alive.
I wish you...
Happiness.
And I hope that you forever spare... each other pain.
And if you find that is impossible?
Then I wish you forgiveness.